I love you and then I hate you.
Three years ago. On a Thursday afternoon. June 24th, to be exact, I first met you. I was babysitting my nephews Aiden and Alex. I was all alone in the baby park on 108 th street in between Columbus and Amsterdam. To my surprise I saw Josh. Along with Josh were you and Jaline. You wore a black v-neck, skinny jeans, black converse, and aviator shades. I was so excited.
For that entire year I always kept my eye on you. I told myself, “I’m going to speak to this boy, one day or another.” I used to remember the exaxt times I would see you outside that way I would be able to casually bump into you.
That Thursday afternoon I swear it was a dream come true. I would constantly day-dream about how this day would go about. However, I was frozen, nervous, and anxious. I felt as if this were my first time love crush jitters. Hearing your soft masculine voice, with your cute little stutters brought about butterflies to my stomach. From that day on, I knew I wanted you. I knew I wanted you in my life and to be mine.
From the first hello, I loved you. That same day we exchanged Aims and numbers. “suckiitbiiatch” I’m pretty sure that was your screen name. As soon as I got home, I already received a text from you. I would’ve responded instantly but I had to keep my cool and not seem overly happy, which I was by the way. So, I decided to take three-four mins before responding to your text.
I swear, it seemed like time was on my side. That day felt so long and I was able to get to know enough of you. We always texted ever since. I would wake up to a ‘Good Morning’ text by six in the morning. Speaking to you would make my days pass by so effortlessly. I remember the first time we spoke on the phone.
I fell in love with your voice. I fell in love with soft sexy sleepy voice of yours. I never wanted to text again, I just loved hearing your voice. Even when you would stutter. You would get so frustrated but it was cute. I would tell you to relax and to take a deep breath and tell me whatever you had to say calmly.
I fell in love..
A month had gone by.
Within this month, we would sneak around. I would meet you at the baby park or Jumbo’s pizzeria. Sometimes you would come up to the hallways of my building, just to sneak in a kiss and hug. I fell in love with your soft luscious kisses. The way you held me so tight around my waist. I felt as if though I was your world and you literally wouldn’t let me go. Every time we kissed it was so warm and slightly wet. Kissing you stopped time. It was just us. Two lovers stuck right at the center of problemville. We both had our shit. Our own baggage. But, I think that’s what attracted us to each other the most. We were both mysterious and closed off to personal problems.
This ignited the flame between us. I fell in love with your complexity. It was like solving a rubix cube. Just when you think you’re close to understanding a person you would have to start all over again, but the pattern and logarithm is right there in front of your face. Even though, you were such a mystery, I knew. I knew who you were, I was able to see right through you. Right through you being “the biggest jerk in nyc.”
For this I loved you. You were the best and greatest jerk in the world. No one was as heartless as you. But I loved it because you never acted that way with me.
After our first month-a-versary you changed up on me. I hated you. I despised you. I fucking hated your guts. You decided to break up with me. No warning, no reason.
My fairytale ended. You broke my heart. For that entire week I stayed home in my room, wondering what did I do to fuck up our relationship. I didn’t eat just sleep and replay the song “Impossible” by Shontelle.
Time went by, summer was coming to an end, the leaves were turning colors and you were still no longer mine. It wasn’t until November where we agreed to meet up and “talk.” I met up with you inside of the 59 th street station. Not going to lie, I was pretty excited to see you. But, I was mad as hell. I acted like I didn’t care, I pushed you away, I was in the process of building my wall. I wasn’t going to let my guards down just so that you could leave me again. But once we were together that didn’t matter. Something about you told me to give you a second chance. I let my guards down. We were perfect. I thought maybe this is true love since we took some time apart and came back to each other.
But as always, you let me down. After a week, we broke up. Of course you gave me the same excuse. I was not even mad anymore. I was just tired. So I gave up on you, on us. Once I did you started caring more, you wanted to be a part of my life. You showed me how much you loved me. But by that time, it was too late, I was already gone and done.
Minutes passed, hours passed. Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, and months turned into years. We attempted to speak during the Summer but my boyfriend at the time wouldn’t allow our friendship. After two years, I decided to hit you up. The last week of December. I missed you the entire time. I’m pretty sure you hated me. But because I remembered your birthday you decided to give me another chance.
Slowly but surely, we started becoming friends again. We then became best friends. You walked me to school almost every morning. You also stayed up with me on the phone at night till the crack of dawn. We talked about everything. From reading erotica stories to each other, talking about past experiences, personal stories, dark secrets, food, or talking about us and reminiscing on our old memories. We were falling in love with each other again. I was afraid. I knew you would easily stop speaking to me, or there would be a shift in our conversations. I didn’t want that to happen, so of course I acted as if I had no interest whatsoever.
The more I denied it the faster I fell in love with you. You were my world. You were the only person who could make me the happiest and the saddest. You were the only person who never gave me bullshit advice. You were always blunt with me. You always guided me in the right directions. And our chemistry, it was spot on. We craved for each other’s attention.
And in the end you left me once again. This time it wasn’t your fault. You passed away. I rather not get into the details of how I felt. But just know it was and still is a dark time. I’m dealing with it, I’m trying.. you are one of the reasons why I am so depressed but you are also why I am so happy. Because of our history, I learned that I need to be more affectionate. I need to stop pretending like I don’t care when in reality I do. And most importantly, I need to learn how to not take time for granted. These lessons helped me with my relationship with this guy I met. His name is Sheik. I’m pretty sure you would like him, lol no he’s not Spanish. And no he’s not crazy, thank god. He drives me insane. He’s an asshole. But he’s also the sweetest. Don’t worry he’s not replacing you. But he sure is filling that empty space I have. So there it is, I love you and I hate you. I really fucking miss you. I promise I will be strong. I won’t give up. I love you Damell. Never stop watching over me. Never stop loving me. I will see you soon.